Friday, August 03, 2012

Was It Enough?


This is not coherent or eloquent, but they are my current thoughts on the matter.  Was it enough? - the question that keeps rattling around in my brain.  The short answer is, of course, no.  Of course, 5 weeks wasn’t enough time.  Of course, we couldn’t love him enough to fill all the holes in his heart.  But I promise we tried!  I hope it’s enough to last him until he comes home.  I’ve been oscillating between anger and sadness since I saw him that last time at the airport.  He was so brave to come all this way by himself, knowing no English.  And yet as we said goodbye and hugged our last I saw a boy who had been hardened by the system for years, begin to silently cry.  He tried so hard to wave and smile and tell us he loved us, but he had to look away when it was too much.  The sadness is crushing.  The kind of sadness that makes you wonder how the world can continue to move while you stand there total immobilized by your own grief.  But then comes the anger and the frustration – why did I let so many little things bother me?  I should have stayed up later, I should have been more patient!  When packing his bags to go I found one of L.J.’s toys.  I asked him if L.J. had given it to him, he said, “no, but he has 4.”  I told him we would ask L.J. in the morning, but it is not okay to steal.  I knew L.J. would probably give it to him, so no worries.  But I forgot to ask!  I forgot!!  Why didn’t I just give him the stupid toy!?!  What kind of person am I?!?  I am so angry with myself for not doing more!  And now I’m sad again.  I know we said all along, this is just a hosting program, and it is.  I know we said that our goals were to love him and show him what family is, and we did.  I know we said that this would be painful in the end, but we would be obedient anyway, and it is.  But, is so much more than I could have ever imagined.  I just want to hold him again, to see him, to hear his laugh, to protect him, to love him.  Please pray for him – pray for his safety, pray for his health, pray for God to guard his heart and pray for him to come HOME!  My brother spoke some of the most comforting words to me this morning, he said, “Becky, I will stop at nothing to bring him home!”  Lord, please work quickly, this Momma’s heart is begging You!

1 comment:

Jenny said...

Your heart isn't the only one breaking. You'll never know just how many others feel at least a portion of the same pain. He is someone pretty special. We really look forward to his return for the Holidays AND for good.